


With No Air

by plantboycharms



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Cane, Chronic Pain, Disability, Disabled Character, Getting Together, M/M, invisible disability, its like a lot bit sad and a little bit gay, kageyama is disabled, mobility aid
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-03
Updated: 2016-09-18
Packaged: 2018-08-12 18:10:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7944253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/plantboycharms/pseuds/plantboycharms
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>His ribs were fine. His lungs were fine. Better than fine, actually. All of his X-rays had shown that his lungs were big, strong, healthy. His first X-ray tech had asked if he swam. "These are swimmer's lungs! You can probably hold a breath for a long time!"<br/>He couldn't.<br/>What point was there in having lungs that were big and strong if you could only breathe with about a third of their capacity?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Gasping for it

**Author's Note:**

> I love making these boys gay and in love and also suffering.

"No, I don't know. I can't really explain it."  
Kageyama looked down at the eager eyes of his tiny classmate, staring up at him. This was horrible. He didn't know how to talk about this.  
"It's... It's always there? Like. I can tell it's there, and I know that it's holding me back, but if I don't think about it, I can ignore it. For a little bit. Push it to the back of my mind. It's only when I think about it that it gets really bad. Hard to ignore."  
Hinata's eyes were huge, and he stopped walking. Kageyama looked back at him, hand on his cane, and asked "What?"  
"Always?"  
"Yeah." Kageyama nodded a little. It wasn't weird for him to be in pain all the time. He was, well, used to it. Kind of.  
"So then how do you play volleyball? There's running! And jumping!" Hinata bounded forward, hands on his bike, still staring at Kageyama with shining eyes.  
"I mean, it's harder. I still remember what it was like in middle school, before I got sick. I... I didn't get as tired? I could do more, before getting dizzy. Now it's just... I have less. I can't do as much. I don't know." Kageyama blushed, he could feel it tingling in his cheeks, but he kept walking once Hinata reached him. 

Hinata had always been a fast walker. He bounded and leaped, hopped and skipped, always ahead of the group. He was energetic.  
And them there was Kageyama. Almost always at the back of the group, cane in hand, sometimes stumbling over his feet or having to stop to gasp in air. He was pretty often forgotten in the hubbub, but he was too quiet and embarrassed to speak up. He usually just hurried to catch up, stumbling and tired, breathing fast and shallow. It was better than trying to make people slow down. They never did.  
Except Hinata had.  
They had been walking together and Hinata had noticed that he kept out-walking Kageyama, slowed to a speed that better suited Kageyama's needs, and had made what looked like a conscious effort to stay there. He would still hop and bounce occasionally, or bound ahead and turn around to walk backwards to talk to Kageyama, but never walked too far ahead, and made an effort to keep track of where Kageyama was. He seemed to take note of if Kageyama's breathing sped up, so he could slow down accordingly.  
Kageyama hadn't realized how nice it was to have someone actually accommodate him. 

Coach Ukai knew, of course, and Kageyama always felt eyes on him, watching for signs of dizziness or fatigue. It was hard to account for this kind of disability, and there was no specific way to help him, so they just settled for making sure he wasn't in too much pain or too dizzy. Sugawara didn't seem to mind being sent in whenever Kageyama faltered and being pulled back out once he felt he could play again (usually one serve, sometimes two.)

His ribs were fine. His lungs were fine. Better than fine, actually. All of his X-rays had shown that his lungs were big, strong, healthy. His first X-ray tech had asked if he swam. "These are swimmer's lungs! You can probably hold a breath for a long time!"  
He couldn't.  
What point was there in having lungs that were big and strong if you could only breathe with about a third of their capacity? 

The cartilage in between my ribs is inflamed, he had explained, over and over. Hinata asked the most questions. Yes, they hurt. Yes, it makes it hard to breathe. No, I'm not going to die. No, I'm not going to toss for you right now. They went on and on. Finally, Daichi had stepped in to stop them from bickering. Kageyama could see the questions burning in his tiny spiker's eyes, but didn't offer any more Q+A time. Not for a while. So when they were walking home, weeks later, and he had started talking about it, Hinata had been shocked.  
Kageyama didn't want to explain, but he wanted Hinata to know. For some reason, it felt important. 

"So I'll, well... I'll never play professionally. That's kind of a given. You'll have to... You'll have to find someone else to toss for you." he chuckled weakly, trying to diffuse the sadness that had crept into his voice at the thought. Hinata bounced into the air, using his handlebars as a springboard, and threw himself in front of Kageyama. He stopped walking, surprised at the sudden roadblock in the form of a small redhead, and looked down at him, confused.  
"I'll never find another setter. Never. You toss for me." Hinata had a very determined look in his eye, and Kageyama didn't know how to feel. A mixture of bigger regret and hopefulness, tinged with a little bit of something nameless, fluttering in the sides of his chest.  
"Hinata, I... I won't be able to toss for you forever. You know that. I mean, look at this." he gestured at his cane and his chest, hopelessly. "This won't get you to pro. No way."  
"You can't say that! Bakageyama! We're going to go pro and we're going to do it together. Because we're a team! And-" Hinata broke off suddenly, looking away.  
"And what?" Kageyama asked, tilting his head.  
"And nothing. Never mind."  
An adorable blush was making its way up Hinata's cheeks. What was he going to say? Kageyama wondered. He didn't push.

Hinata was still staring at him, cheeks pink and eyes almost starry. Kageyama tried to ignore the feeling of butterflies in his stomach, and didn't break eye contact.  
"Are you... In pain right now?" Hinata asked, voice breaking a little as he whispered.  
"I... I mean, yeah?" Kageyama replied, heart thundering in his chest.  
"Can I-" Hinata licked his lips nervously "-can I... Kiss you, to... Make it better?"  
Completely stunned, heart feeling like it would explode, Kageyama nodded a tiny bit, and Hinata took a step closer to him.  
He reached a hand up to Kageyama's face, stretched up onto his tip toes, and planted a soft, chaste kiss onto Kageyama's lips. Kageyama opened his eyes, breathless, and Hinata whispered, still very close, "Better?"  
Kageyama's lips parted a bit, and he shook his head, almost unnoticeably. "Maybe we should... Try... Again." he whispered, wrapping his free arm around the small of Hinata's back and pulling him in for another kiss. This one was longer, Kageyama's grip tightening as he leaned into Hinata, parting his lips with his own, and Hinata brought his other hand up to grip in Kageyama's smooth hair. 

The sound of Hinata's bike crashing to the floor, unsupported by either of the small boy's calloused hands, broke them apart. They breathed heavily, Kageyama a little more than Hinata, and he leaned a little more onto his cane. Hinata blushed and stammered an "o-oops" as he leaned down to grab his bike. Kageyama stared at him out of the corner of his eye as they started walking again.  
As they walked in amiable silence, both slightly pink, Hinata asked suddenly, "Do you need to use your cane with that hand?"  
"No, it's pretty much whichever one."  
"Will you switch hands?" Hinata mumbled, looking away from Kageyama, but glancing at him from the sides of his vision. Kageyama didn't understand why, but obliged. That arm was getting a little tired anyways.  
The silence fell over them again for a while, and Kageyama didn't think anything of it.  
That is, until Hinata reached down and grabbed his now-free hand, sliding his fingers through Kageyama's like they were made to fit there.  
And Kageyama understood.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sobs BC I just want him to be happy.  
> This is based off of my own experience? As a disabled person myself. His disability is my disability, so I'm just... Writing from experience. I hope they're not too OOC. and that Hinata's bike is okay.  
> Scream at me on tumblr about volleyboys please @fragile-euphoria.  
> As always, I thrive off of validation, leave kudos or comments if you like.


	2. In deep water

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yawning was, possibly, one of the worst painful things that he experienced. Along with coughing and sneezing and, sometimes, laughing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Blahhh someone asked for more so here's more  
> Someone help him. Or me. Or both of us.

He had better days and worse days. There were days where he would wake up and stretch, taking a deep breath, and wince. Then he would get up, get dressed, and go on with his day. Those days were good days. Those days were comfortable days, and volleyball was easy, and the walk to school was short, and he was comfortable. There were even days where his cane felt a little unneccessary.  
Then there were days when he would wake up and gasp from the pain of it, and double over from the pain of gasping. Those days he would consider just... staying in bed. And not moving. But staying in bed didn't help, nothing did. And Kageyama knew it, and so did his parents and they would come in, usually his mother, and sit down next to him on his bed and speak to him, always very gentle words, and tell him that it was time to get up, time to get dressed, school was starting soon, and he needed to go.  
Those days, Kageyama would drag hiself to school. The walk was long. He would have to stop, several times, to lean on his cane and gasp for breath, shallowly, trying to get the dizziness out of his head. 

Hinata was there. He was always there. Through every kind of day, Hinata would be there. When Kageyama had good days, Hinata would jump on his shoulders, asking for piggyback rides, and swing Kageyama's cane around like a sword as he walked.  
On bad days, Kageyama would stop and Hinata would be there, a soft hand on the small of his back, encouraging him to breathe slowly. It didnt work, Kageyama would still gasp, hand on his aching sternum, but Hinata would rub small soothing circles in between his shoulders and wait it out with him. Hinata didn't mind if they were a little late to class. His lateness was never excused, but he didn't mind. Kageyma was more important to him. 

 

Kageyama woke up and it was a pain day. He could tell before he even moved. his chest felt tight, stiff, and he didnt want to move. Stretching his arms above his head was, well, agony. But he needed to stretch. Even if it didn't help.  
Using all the strength he could muster up, he pushed himself up to a sitting position and got off the bed, holding the wall. Could this get worse?  
The answer was, of course, yes.  
He yawned.  
Yawning was, possibly, one of the worst painful things that he experienced. Along with coughing and sneezing and, sometimes, laughing.  
It was, of course, a vicious cycle. The doctors had warned him.  
You yawn, because you're not breathing enough. It's your body warning you that you're not breathing enough. But you're never breathing enough, Kageyama, because you can't take a breath. Or won't.  
Can't or won't? 

Kageyama dragged himself from bed, grabbing for his cane and knocking it down. There was no good way to prop it against the wall, really. Holding his chest, as if it would help, he bent stiffly to pick it up. Even standing straight was hard. His shoulders were almost permanently caved in. He never held his shoulders back on pain days. Maybe that was how Hinata could tell.  
The bottle of pills in the drawer was not really going to help. He knew. But he took... A few... Maybe more than he should. But he did it anyway. Hoping. He would lie about it later, when Hinata asked. It hurt him to lie, but it hurt more to breathe. 

Stumbling through the house to the kitchen table, holding the walls to support himself, was humiliating. He hated this.  
He was too young for this, the doctors said. He wanted to shake them. "IF I'M TOO YOUNG THEN /DO/ SOMETHING!!"  
But he would never do it. He just sat, staring at the ground, waiting for the next test to come back negative. There was nothing wrong. "Simple inflammation shouldn't be doing this" they said. Then why was it??   
Nobody had answers. 

On the walk, he had to stop more than a few times. He kept telling Hinata to go ahead, it'll be fine. But Hinata wouldn't go.  
"I'm fine being late. I'll walk with you. Someone's gotta keep you company so you don't get lost, Bakageyama!" Hinata said, cheerfully.  
"I won't get lost, moron" Kageyama grumbled, embarrassed. He knew he looked pitiful like this. He wished Hinata would let him suffer in peace. It was humiliating to be like this.  
He breathed in, slowly, trying to breathe deeper, to judge the pain level. It hurt, but nothing he wasn't used to. They were almost to the school now, and at the apex of his deepest breath, he was overcome with a horrible coughing fit. He could feel it, deep in his lungs, unexplainably painful, alarmingly loud. He couldn't draw in a breath, he just kept coughing. He was doubled over, dizzy, feeling like he would choke any moment. Gasping, he looked up at Hinata, panicked. Hinata's eyes were huge, as panicked as Kageyama felt, and he darted over in an instant. His tiny hand pressed firmly between Kageyama's shoulders, rubbing up and down, and his tiny voice whispered "ssh, Kageyama, breathe, come on, breathe for me Tobio, calm down, sssh..."  
He held his breath as best he could, shaking with the effort of holding in his coughing. As he held it, Hinata pressed his lips to the side of Kageyama's head. His heart slowed.  
The shuddering gasp that followed didn't feel good, but his lungs expanded gratefully and the spinning started to leave his head. He stayed facing the ground, breathing slowly, aching breath after aching breath. 

When he finally stood, straightening his back and wincing, Hinata wound his arms around his waist and nuzzled his face into his chest, pressing soft kisses there.  
"Kiss it better" Kageyama thought he heard Hinata mumbling, but he wasn't sure. He wrapped his free hand around the back of Hinata's head, pressing a kiss into his unruly hair.  
"Come on, let's... Get to school." he said, faltering only a little as he said it.  
Hinata looked up at him, resting his chin on Kageyama's chest, and said "no volleyball."  
Kageyama set his jaw, angry, and looked away. He knew he couldn't play like this, but he hated it. 

"You took pills this morning, right? How many?" Hinata said, eyes soft.  
"Two." he responded, shortly.  
The raised eyebrows he was met with when he looked down at Hinata made him reconsider.  
".....a few." Kageyama mumbled, not making eye contact.  
"I know when you're lying, Tobio. You've got to stop taking so many. Please." Hinata was uncharacteristically serious now.  
Kageyama didn't respond. He bent down to kiss his tiny boyfriend, trying to ignore the sinking feeling in his stomach and the pangs that he felt in his ribs as he bent forward. 

When Hinata took his hand and they set off towards school again, he started to chatter on again, but it was strained this time. Kageyama wasn't really listening. He was focused on his breathing, and the feeling of Hinata's hand in his. It kept him grounded.  
Hinata was always there to keep him grounded. 

The day dragged on. His teachers never understood, nobody did, how hard it was to focus when the most basic movement hurt. He was always in pain, always a little distracted, and they never seemed to get that. 

"At least let me join for the setting practice!" Kageyama cried, almost shouting.  
"No, Kageyama. Hinata already told us what happened this morning. You need to be more careful." Suga responded, gently.  
Kageyama ground his teeth and stalked (as fast as he could) over to the bench to watch.  
Infuriating. 

But every time Hinata hit a good spike, or blocked something successfully, or just felt like it, he would sprint to Kageyama's side, eyes shining, and kiss him on the cheek while gushing "did you see that? I really got it that time, were you watching? It would have been better if you were there but now you can watch!!! Did you see??" until Daichi or Suga would call him back to play.  
Practice ended early. Hinata was too distracted and it started to wear off on the rest, so Daichi gave up on controlling the team anymore and let them leave early.  
"Can I come to your house?" Hinata asked, grinning as he bounded over again, bag in hand.  
Kageyama shook his head in exasperation, but smiled a little, too.  
"Yeah, I guess. Mom loves you, so she'll be fine with it."  
And they began the excruciating walk back to Kageyama's house. 

At some point during the walk, Hinata had taken Kageyama's bag from him. Kageyama couldn't remember when. He just knew he had been stopped, shoulders heaving, and when he had straightened back up, Hinata had his bag and then they were walking again, a slow shuffle that made Kageyama feel like some kind of zombie.  
"Give my bag back, I can carry it" he said, trying to keep the exhaustion out of his voice and failing. It was hard to sound threatening when you also sounded like you just ran a mile.  
"No." Hinata replied, cheerful but also forceful. 

Standing on your own doorstep struggling to stay upright was probably the worst, Kageyama thought.  
But no, the worst was fumbling the lock too many times, until Hinata gently took the keys from his hand and unlocked the door, letting them in, and then letting Kageyama lean on him to toe off his shoes. 

The best was Hinata slowly massaging his back, focusing sharp, precise, but gentle fingers between Kageyama's ribs and putting pressure, back and forth, while Kageyama winced. When Hinata tapped to signal him to turn over so he could do the same in front, by his sternum, Kageyama obliged. And when Hinata did it, Kageyama actually cried out, but pushed it down, fists clenched tight.  
"It's easier on you when you relax, you know." Hinata said, splaying his hands flat and looking down at Kageyama. He grimaced and looked away, angry.  
"It's hard, okay. I'm trying." Kageyama snapped out, staring at the wall, before looking back at Hinata guiltily.  
"I'm sorry, you didn't deserve that. .....Thank you." he tacked on, belatedly.  
Hinata hummed a little and bent down to kiss Kageyama, still seated straddling his lap. 

When Hinata pulled away, Kageyama was dizzy again, and this time he didn't think he could blame the pain in his ribs so much as the pain in his ass sitting smugly on his lap, grinning down at him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is just turning rant-y I'm Sad  
> It's too late for this I gotta get up super early for work tomorrow help  
> Again, Kageyama's experiences are mine. Except I have no Hinata. Shrugs forever being disabled is weird and hard but what can ya do?  
> Hope u enjoyed rambling: chapter 2


End file.
